buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
so our special services meeting kinda sucked. all of the accommodations we asked for were 'not legal', but a few of them could be REQUESTED from the profs IF they wanna go along with it. also the lady we met with didn't GET our disability — which is totally cuz our psychologist decided it'd be better not to PUT dissociation in the letter cuz nobody would get it and it would end up being spread around. (i woulda argued, but we didn't wanna WAIT any longer for the stupid letter!) if she'd said 'dissociative disorder' and EXPLAINED what that meant, then the special services lady might've GOTTEN why we asked for some things. we DO now have a letter to be sent to the profs about the 'legal' accommodations, but it's not what we WANTED.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
me & ^wyatt are thinking about opening a new comm like the old [community profile] dissociativity which the owners closed cuz they didn't have time for it anymore. i ASKED the owner if they'd transfer the comm to me, but never got an answer. but ^wyatt thinks there SHOULD BE a dissociation comm on DW, so we might make one.

ideas for names or volunteers for co-mod are totally welcome! :) i'm thinking something along the lines of [livejournal.com profile] fragmentedminds cuz i like that.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
so yesterday was eventful! ^kv & ^merrick went to government class and did this little presentation of proposal 3 to the whole class. it went SUPER well!

another classmate group's proposal was to stop the 'emergency manager' law. for anybody who doesn't know, an 'emergency manager' is somebody appointed (usually by the governor) to take the place of an elected official when a district is failing. anyways, that doesn't REALLY matter here, and i DON'T wanna discuss politics, but the definition matters later, k?

so then ^wyatt & ^merrick go to algebra class and everything's generally ok till the prof tries to get everybody into groups and ^wyatt can't handle it and they dissociate and ^THE PLANT shows up. the prof can't get the plant to respond (duh!!) so she calls security and this campus police officer comes in and escorts whoever's at the front to this little backroom in the library.

we got asked a TON of questions and ^merrick kinda came back to answer them. she finally said something about dissociation and the security guy doesn't know what that means, and ^merrick's attempts to define it make him think psychosis which is BAD cuz if he thought we were psychotic, we woulda gotten paramedics and emergency room and ALL that stuff we REALLY didn't want/need. SOOOO finally ^merrick mentions multiple personality disorder and he GOT that, so yea.

um.....so he makes all these offers of calling people and we SRSLY just wanna leave cuz a reasonable insider was at the front so everything really was ok, but he lets us go eventually. ^merrick talked to the prof and she recommended a 'special services' letter, which we were like: 'yea, i'm working on getting one, but it isn't ready yet.' (we're gonna email the psychologist TODAY and ask her to have the letter ready by our appt next monday....yeesh!) but she's gonna be careful about assigning us into groups now, which will be good but srsly.....

later on we were talking to mom and we thought of something. our 'emergency manager' generally ends up being ^the plant, which is only SLIGHTLY better than ^pretty little beast, so we TOTALLY need to appoint a decent emergency manager. ^merrick thinks it should be ME. we're gonna have an inside meeting to discuss it, but i bet I'M gonna be our emergency manager.

i'm awesome like that.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
thursday night we talked to dad about the dissociation & school. he doesn't get the switching at school, like we should understand and control it, and it made us think we REALLY need to find out what our triggers are.

most of them are a total mystery to us. i mean at school we tend just to have the right insider at the front at the beginning of class, just cuz they're needed and their skills fit, BUT if they get knocked from the front then they can't always come back. so that's a trigger too, of kicking the insider out AND of bringing a new insider to the front.

anyways, it'll be good for us if we find what the triggers are.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
ugh, the DID is really messing us up at school. i know we're gonna have the new psychologist write us a 'special services' letter (we kinda gave up on getting a letter from the psychiatrist) but i dunno how much help it'll do us in algebra. last winter fundamentals of algebra was our better class, this term the dissociation is getting in the way of our success. ugh!
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
we might have a therapist if he decides it's 'ethical' to see us. body-mom is a temporary psychologist / counselor who still gets supervised till she gets her license. her supervisor apparently has some experience treating dissociative disorders. also he's something of a behaviorist, which surprisingly we got along well with last time (he was a cognitive-behavioral therapist who also did hypnosis), so maybe that'd turn out ok? but anyways, he's gotta decide if it's ethical to supervise body-mom and treat her daughter. i dunno when he's gonna make up his mind, but prolly by next wednesday.

tuesday

Apr. 8th, 2012 07:09 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
gonna see the psychiatrist on tuesday. i dunno if he really believes we're plural, but this time we've actually got some evidence of dissociation or at least some issues with (i think it's called) internally-focused state-dependent memory.

body-mom is gonna ask him to write us a note for class where we can give it to the profs to explain what's going on. like to say we're sometimes more able than other times to recall information and work on projects — not saying dissociation or 'multiple personalities', but explaining why sometimes we can do one thing and sometimes we can't. ehhh, she says it better than that, but that's the basics.

we're taking:
[1] the paper i posted a couple days ago
[2] a list of the times and situations where an insider was in the wrong place at the wrong time
&
[3] some of the switch triggers we've noticed (only one identified so far but we're working on that)

body-mom isn't actually going this time cuz she's gotta work, so we're going with body-dad. this time i'm not gonna try to come to the front during the appointment. it'll be better if ^merrick can just tell him straightforward without interruptions. we wanna get this figured out and we hope to have the psychiatrist's help.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
so we're in programming logic today and the class is working on a special in-class exercise. me & ^merrick are working on writing down what the prof is saying and not paying much attention to what's going on inside, just what the prof is writing and saying so we can copy it down. then, near the end, we look down.....

page 1 & page 2

the pics are huge, but i think it's a darn good example of why we're having trouble in class. this time we don't even notice we switch till we look at the paper. at least THIS time we both absorbed the info.

[for people who can't view the pics, they're just b&w worksheets with 2 different handwritings changing abruptly twice in the course of the assignment.]

when body-mom saw it, she said we should take it to the psychiatrist as examples when we tell him how we're having troubles with dissociation and school.

ps, yea, that IS the body name

curses!

Mar. 21st, 2012 01:30 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm writing this partly cuz ^merrick wants it recorded but doesn't have anyplace to put it, but i'm gonna put my take on it too so that it's right for MY journal.

i think i've talked about our school arrangements before but i'll sum them up here. last term we took business computer applications & interpersonal communication. we got into the habit of going together, took turns somewhat, but the turn-taking was....softer, like usually all 3 of us were there, which — now — we're realizing was prolly a good thing. anyways, we planned to do roughly the same thing this term, with programming logic & fundamentals of algebra.

so yesterday ^merrick goes into programming logic alone. (we're getting MORE dysfunctional when it comes to switching, you'd think it'd be the other way around! we can't force anybody to the front without major dissociation.) the prof says it's the class where we're working on project 1. ^merrick sits down and opens the un-modified code and the hierarchy chart......and gets nothing.

turn-taking went so well that programming logic knowledge — the practical stuff, not from reading the chapters or listening to lectures — is confined to the insider who was closest to the front when the students were taught flowcharting and how to decipher/modify code. so ^merrick sits there in class and tries to call ^kv to the front, but of course trying to get him there means dissociation.

these days any effort to go against 'natural' switching just results in zoning out/depersonalization/derealization type stuff.....and natural switching is totally dysfunctional. broken. it doesn't bring the RIGHT insider for the job to the front anymore. it's like we're losing control of system workings.

this brings to mind having the wrong insider at the front for the last math test too. that better not happen again tomorrow!

we thought turn-taking in classes was gonna be good for us, but it backfired. now what?? (advice is welcome, if you've got some.)
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm teaching ^isah how to play stepmania. she's gonna be REALLY good at it once if she figures out how much force she's gotta put into the steps. i think all the jumping around is grounding enough that it chases away the newbie dissociation. cool!
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i think we've got our recent dissociative problems worked out.....

banning newcomers from the front = stability and minimal dissociation

newcomers who want to stay away from the front = zero

the resultant conflict isn't helping.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
today was second-to-last class! tomorrow is psychiatrist appt. we're excited....actually about both. i'm not gonna come out during the appointment this time cuz there are more important things to talk about.

we're working on being who we are not hiding and working out our schedule and organization so we CAN front alone when the time comes.

one oddity i'm noticing more is we try to say something but stumble in the middle and have to think really hard before we can finish whatever it was we were meaning to say. i dunno if that's a processing problem with the brain and we just get ahead of ourselves somehow or if it has something to do with being dissociative/plural. maybe that should be on the list of stuff to bring up.

anybody else had that happen before?

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buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
jeanniNe a.k.a. JJ

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