buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm here! i'm not abandoning the front really! i WAS mad, but i'm gonna start pestering ^merrick again and maybe we can work things out. *smile*

i'm kinda returning to dw cuz i really liked it here before. BUT i did a HUGE friends-cut, so if you haven't updated in like ever or if we didn't interact much when i was here before, i prolly removed you. if you do wanna be friends still, say so & i'll add you back!
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i've been away from the front a little while & coming back stuff just doesn't feel quite right.....
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
um, yesterday was our 1st day of classes. we're taking public speaking and pc hardware & software support. i think they're both gonna be cool. we haven't decided yet what the frontrunning teams for each class are gonna be. prolly me + merrick + kv for public speaking.....and then kv + wyatt + merrick for pc hardware. so yea. we'll decide tomorrow after class meeting #2.

classes are tuesday & thursday 11a-12:20p and 1p-3:15p. we hafta get up just before 9am and leave for the bus stop @ 9:25. then we catch the 3:45p bus from the college to downtown and the 4:15p bus home. so we're gone for like ever just for 2 classes. anyways, we're gonna hafta pack a lunch cuz that's too long not to eat anything real.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
so yesterday was eventful! ^kv & ^merrick went to government class and did this little presentation of proposal 3 to the whole class. it went SUPER well!

another classmate group's proposal was to stop the 'emergency manager' law. for anybody who doesn't know, an 'emergency manager' is somebody appointed (usually by the governor) to take the place of an elected official when a district is failing. anyways, that doesn't REALLY matter here, and i DON'T wanna discuss politics, but the definition matters later, k?

so then ^wyatt & ^merrick go to algebra class and everything's generally ok till the prof tries to get everybody into groups and ^wyatt can't handle it and they dissociate and ^THE PLANT shows up. the prof can't get the plant to respond (duh!!) so she calls security and this campus police officer comes in and escorts whoever's at the front to this little backroom in the library.

we got asked a TON of questions and ^merrick kinda came back to answer them. she finally said something about dissociation and the security guy doesn't know what that means, and ^merrick's attempts to define it make him think psychosis which is BAD cuz if he thought we were psychotic, we woulda gotten paramedics and emergency room and ALL that stuff we REALLY didn't want/need. SOOOO finally ^merrick mentions multiple personality disorder and he GOT that, so yea.

um.....so he makes all these offers of calling people and we SRSLY just wanna leave cuz a reasonable insider was at the front so everything really was ok, but he lets us go eventually. ^merrick talked to the prof and she recommended a 'special services' letter, which we were like: 'yea, i'm working on getting one, but it isn't ready yet.' (we're gonna email the psychologist TODAY and ask her to have the letter ready by our appt next monday....yeesh!) but she's gonna be careful about assigning us into groups now, which will be good but srsly.....

later on we were talking to mom and we thought of something. our 'emergency manager' generally ends up being ^the plant, which is only SLIGHTLY better than ^pretty little beast, so we TOTALLY need to appoint a decent emergency manager. ^merrick thinks it should be ME. we're gonna have an inside meeting to discuss it, but i bet I'M gonna be our emergency manager.

i'm awesome like that.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
thursday night we talked to dad about the dissociation & school. he doesn't get the switching at school, like we should understand and control it, and it made us think we REALLY need to find out what our triggers are.

most of them are a total mystery to us. i mean at school we tend just to have the right insider at the front at the beginning of class, just cuz they're needed and their skills fit, BUT if they get knocked from the front then they can't always come back. so that's a trigger too, of kicking the insider out AND of bringing a new insider to the front.

anyways, it'll be good for us if we find what the triggers are.

first day

Sep. 4th, 2012 04:30 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
started classes today. we've got 'state & local government' and 'intermediate algebra'. the former starts at 11am and the latter at 12:30pm (10 mins after the former ends). i dunno how we're gonna arrange our fronting schedule for these classes. as long as we all get the information this time, anything could be ok.

messed up

Apr. 23rd, 2012 11:57 am
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
^webber is taking ^kv's place as 3rd primary frontrunner. brings back memories, yunno, like of how things were years back. *sigh*

problem with this is now we don't have the same type of 'protector' right up at the front so much....so the 'protector' that shows up when the system thinks it's needed is NOT necessarily the RIGHT one. like ^the plant coming out at office hours or ^plb coming out ANY time.

why is everything getting SO messed up....??

curses!

Mar. 21st, 2012 01:30 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm writing this partly cuz ^merrick wants it recorded but doesn't have anyplace to put it, but i'm gonna put my take on it too so that it's right for MY journal.

i think i've talked about our school arrangements before but i'll sum them up here. last term we took business computer applications & interpersonal communication. we got into the habit of going together, took turns somewhat, but the turn-taking was....softer, like usually all 3 of us were there, which — now — we're realizing was prolly a good thing. anyways, we planned to do roughly the same thing this term, with programming logic & fundamentals of algebra.

so yesterday ^merrick goes into programming logic alone. (we're getting MORE dysfunctional when it comes to switching, you'd think it'd be the other way around! we can't force anybody to the front without major dissociation.) the prof says it's the class where we're working on project 1. ^merrick sits down and opens the un-modified code and the hierarchy chart......and gets nothing.

turn-taking went so well that programming logic knowledge — the practical stuff, not from reading the chapters or listening to lectures — is confined to the insider who was closest to the front when the students were taught flowcharting and how to decipher/modify code. so ^merrick sits there in class and tries to call ^kv to the front, but of course trying to get him there means dissociation.

these days any effort to go against 'natural' switching just results in zoning out/depersonalization/derealization type stuff.....and natural switching is totally dysfunctional. broken. it doesn't bring the RIGHT insider for the job to the front anymore. it's like we're losing control of system workings.

this brings to mind having the wrong insider at the front for the last math test too. that better not happen again tomorrow!

we thought turn-taking in classes was gonna be good for us, but it backfired. now what?? (advice is welcome, if you've got some.)
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i think we've got our recent dissociative problems worked out.....

banning newcomers from the front = stability and minimal dissociation

newcomers who want to stay away from the front = zero

the resultant conflict isn't helping.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
today was second-to-last class! tomorrow is psychiatrist appt. we're excited....actually about both. i'm not gonna come out during the appointment this time cuz there are more important things to talk about.

we're working on being who we are not hiding and working out our schedule and organization so we CAN front alone when the time comes.

one oddity i'm noticing more is we try to say something but stumble in the middle and have to think really hard before we can finish whatever it was we were meaning to say. i dunno if that's a processing problem with the brain and we just get ahead of ourselves somehow or if it has something to do with being dissociative/plural. maybe that should be on the list of stuff to bring up.

anybody else had that happen before?
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
we're gonna hafta change our reading habits. right now we read 1 book at a time, and that isn't working. the old way means we read ONLY when the frontrunner matches the book. so i might be into reading but i don't read cuz i don't have a book that interests me. (honestly the fantasy novel i thought i'd like is just NOT my thing.)

i guess that means we look up some books....and check out what we like INDIVIDUALLY. if we all give input on just one book, we can't find anything that looks good. but if i pick out a book & ^helen picks out a book & even ^kv picks out a book if he wants one, we'll have a better chance of finding a book — and finding the time to finish reading it.

i'll start looking on amazon.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i got my own fable: the lost chapters profile, woooot!! the family people who know of me prolly know me as 'JJ' so i couldn't use THAT, and 'jeanjacq' woulda been too suspicious i think, so i chose 'jeanniNe'. nobody ever calls me jeannine, or prolly even KNOWS it's part of my full name, so it's gonna be good for that. now i gotta make sure nobody catches us switching when i play mine. 1hour into the game i'm a 'theurgist'. we've never been one of those before!
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm getting a real chance to be ME! alot of the time i've gotta hide myself, my ME from everybody around me, but i'm not gonna do that all the time anymore. i get to make MY OWN life, get MY OWN time, maybe even my own clothes. wooop!!

gonna make some access-only entries about mental disorder sometime too. system status reports aren't my style but we've gotta get em done more regularly. now it's late and i'm gonna be so tired in the morning, but i just wanna stay up a little longer..... c'mon, please!

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buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
jeanniNe a.k.a. JJ

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