buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
& now ^isah is taking up her 'persecutor alter'* role with new enthusiasm...

let's just have everything inside go wrong at once!

* cuz you NEVER hear them called 'persecutor INSIDERS', so 'alter' it is.

what now??

Jun. 28th, 2012 08:12 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
we ended therapy today. it was mutual, us & the therapist agreed. it's for the best. getting therapy FOR the system means you gotta TALK ABOUT the system. & that wasn't happening. AT ALL. so yea. dunno what we're gonna do now.

us & mom walked to the appt in sunny 93F+ weather. we got ice cream on the way there. YUMMY! and then just about melted on the walk home. the water in my water bottle woulda made a nice hot shower. dunno if it was worth it tho.

*sulk*

Apr. 29th, 2012 10:19 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i HATE being banned from driving. *sulk* ^merrick & ^webber are practicing driving backward with body-dad. too bad we all get a sorta 'tetris effect' of feeling like we're still going backward when we shut our eyes — and ALL of us at the front get it.

body-dad asked recently why/how i followed the no-driving rule when i didn't follow other rules and the system couldn't control switching or shifting. i gotta say i wish i didn't hafta follow rules like that, but i've actually got some respect *GASP!* for rules that i understand were made for OUR OWN good no matter how much i hate them. & so far the system hasn't tried to switch me forward while we're driving. course, considering our luck these days, that'll be next!

messed up

Apr. 23rd, 2012 11:57 am
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
^webber is taking ^kv's place as 3rd primary frontrunner. brings back memories, yunno, like of how things were years back. *sigh*

problem with this is now we don't have the same type of 'protector' right up at the front so much....so the 'protector' that shows up when the system thinks it's needed is NOT necessarily the RIGHT one. like ^the plant coming out at office hours or ^plb coming out ANY time.

why is everything getting SO messed up....??

yay ^kv!

Apr. 12th, 2012 04:27 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
.....yay ^kv AND yay system! we went to programming logic class and ^kv showed up. he basically finished the flowchart we've been struggling with for like a month and started on the code. i think the prof was kinda surprised but it's hard to say. anyways.....3 cheers for progress! *grin*

curses!

Mar. 21st, 2012 01:30 pm
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i'm writing this partly cuz ^merrick wants it recorded but doesn't have anyplace to put it, but i'm gonna put my take on it too so that it's right for MY journal.

i think i've talked about our school arrangements before but i'll sum them up here. last term we took business computer applications & interpersonal communication. we got into the habit of going together, took turns somewhat, but the turn-taking was....softer, like usually all 3 of us were there, which — now — we're realizing was prolly a good thing. anyways, we planned to do roughly the same thing this term, with programming logic & fundamentals of algebra.

so yesterday ^merrick goes into programming logic alone. (we're getting MORE dysfunctional when it comes to switching, you'd think it'd be the other way around! we can't force anybody to the front without major dissociation.) the prof says it's the class where we're working on project 1. ^merrick sits down and opens the un-modified code and the hierarchy chart......and gets nothing.

turn-taking went so well that programming logic knowledge — the practical stuff, not from reading the chapters or listening to lectures — is confined to the insider who was closest to the front when the students were taught flowcharting and how to decipher/modify code. so ^merrick sits there in class and tries to call ^kv to the front, but of course trying to get him there means dissociation.

these days any effort to go against 'natural' switching just results in zoning out/depersonalization/derealization type stuff.....and natural switching is totally dysfunctional. broken. it doesn't bring the RIGHT insider for the job to the front anymore. it's like we're losing control of system workings.

this brings to mind having the wrong insider at the front for the last math test too. that better not happen again tomorrow!

we thought turn-taking in classes was gonna be good for us, but it backfired. now what?? (advice is welcome, if you've got some.)
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i think we've got our recent dissociative problems worked out.....

banning newcomers from the front = stability and minimal dissociation

newcomers who want to stay away from the front = zero

the resultant conflict isn't helping.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
first pic
here's the very basics of the how-we-work diagram. this is my collection of circles & triangles. (the 'ball' i haven't drawn in just yet.) basically, the big circle is consciousness/the front/awareness. (there's also a larger circle that isn't shown here.) the triangles are the insiders. that's it for this pic.
full text of first pic )

second pic
getting more complicated, the system works like spinning triangles inside the circle. only the 5 mains are included here. the first drawing is how all of us could be, but it's nearly never like that. the second is another way it could be, co-fronting with 2 insiders and the other 3 away from the front. & the third is how we usually are, with 2 (or more) triangles overlapping each other inside the circle.
full text of second pic )
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
ha, i FINALLY finished rewriting the insiders post! have a look?
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
we're welcoming two new insiders to the group. we're gonna write up a little about them to put in my list. if you wanna know RIGHT NOW, they're already in the image on my profile.

we did do xmas today and it was awesome. *grin* i WILL write more about it some other time.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
just realized why we unconsciously struggle to keep a consistent face. when we sorta came out as multiple at body-age 16, our therapist at the time saw a switch and said: that's not real, you're just pretending, quit faking and admit it's all you.

we TRUSTED her. so we doubted our inner reality. but we never wanted anyone to say that to us again, so we made a point of looking the same as each other. always. and we STILL carry that feeling with us. we don't wanna be called fake again. it's become an unconscious unavoidable need, it's a part of who we ARE as a system.

i think this should be one of our goals. be who we are on the outside as well as on the inside.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i got recruited to make a dendritic diagram of us. we go thru so much morphing & blending & changing that body-mom said we should make a dendritic diagram — and cuz i'm the diagram person, that's my job! i wish i had some software to help tho.
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i found a website called lino & made a canvas about the system.

take a peek at all about us, right? :D
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
JJ / jeanniNe
manic-volcanic teenage genderbender. bipolar 1 (hypo)manic/mixed. outgoing, ESxP/7, people lover! this is MY journal so i don't really need to introduce myself more than i already did in my profile. i'm co-host of the system and one of the primary 3 frontrunners.

merrick
early 20s, asexual bigender. bipolar 1 mixed/depressed, ddnos/did. total introvert INFP/4w5. formerly known as ^helen who's formerly known as ^laur. obsessed with writing and languages. on course in college for a computer support tech 2yr degree, in which the main frontrunners will participate. co-host/one of the primary 3 frontrunners.

kendrick victor / KV
adult male, very type 8, hard to get along with but prolly good for the group. committed to actually doing something. math/science guy, powerful, forceful. likes coffee, green tea, and things that occupy his brain. frequently engages in schadenfreude. formerly a fiction-oriented split from 'star trek: voyager' but decided to forsake that fictional source and reclaim his original place in the system. self-appointed commander of the system. ha!

isah
perpetually 17, intersex, free magic creature with the other form human with chimerism and chimera otherkin. former protector. 9w8 closest. strong with a sense of humor, but troubles with anger and disloyalty. has existed as long as ^JJ. in the process of redefining herself after a long dormancy in which our whole situation changed.

wyatt
male with a feminine side, late 20s to 30yo, enneagram 6/ISxJ, quiet, not sure about trusting people with anything more detailed....yeayea

toby
7y/o boy, quiet, likes crafts (crayons, collage, clay, etc.) and plants/gardening

the plant
yea, it's a shapeshifting semi-sentient plant. age & gender uncertain. protector. how better to protect yourself than turning into a tree??

pretty little blue-eyed beast / pretty little beast with blue eyes
child human (4 to 5yrs old) with bright blue eyes. acts like an animal, outside either deaf or severe auditory processing problems, throws tantrums, bites the body's wrists and forearms at night leaving bruises, very likely autistic. likes weather & dinosaurs
buginarug: an androgynous blond young person leaning against a mirror and looking at the reflection (Default)
i never thought i'd see the day when ^pretty little beast was accepted into the system again. i outed it cuz i was sick of being blamed for biting the body's wrists at night. but then, umm, yunno, maybe we'll actually be able to tame it....or something?? i hope we get it to stop sharpening its pretty little teeth on MY skin! anyways, we're all getting into having our own hobbies, so maybe ^PLB can find something to entertain itself -- or, hey, soothe itself somehow. anything for those teeth....!! -JJ

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jeanniNe a.k.a. JJ

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